When Harvey Weinstein’s normalized exploitations became the start of a movement (#metoo), I felt validated. This is where the #metoo movement found it’s power: relatability. #Metoo stirred up all the trauma within me, but it also stirred up a sense of empowerment and community. A past chair of my department even sent out an email of comfort to the female faculty. It was a big deal. Women were finally getting validated everywhere, even at work! Men could no longer claim that any of us were “just exaggerating,” not when millions of us were saying, “me too.”

Looking back, I remember tough flashbacks popping up as I watched actresses share their stories in the news, but I also knew that I could turn off the TV, get off twitter (now known as “X”) and focus on work whenever I wanted to. I could scroll through a jungle of movies and simply skip over the Weinstein ones too. There were options to get away if needed. That was then. This is now:

#epsteinfiles

Here comes the day to day reality that women face TODAY in regard to this latest, massive, surreal, sci-fi, perverted, demonic sex scandal. I literally miss the days of #metoo. We were so innocent back then–focusing on women in the workplace, full-grown women invested in their careers. Now, we are talking about KIDS.

And now, it’s not just a movie I can pass over. It’s in my day to day routine. People that have never been abused may not be fixated on the fact that Epstein is all over us like I am. Survivors are hyperaware of the Epstein influence. Survivors like myself see too clearly the impact that Epstein-associated brands (Hollister, Express, Victoria’s Secret, The Limited, The Limited Too, which was a tween favorite, and more) had on our psyche and sexuality. There’s a case to be made that Les Wexner’s brands were slowly grooming our society toward the sexualization of teen girls (Get darker–Clinton’s Monica Lewinsky scandal made lying about s#x with young women part of the power podium script). We are dressed and dripping with Epstein every day.

Think about it: Lex Wexner produced all the coolest clothes growing up (Abercrombie? So hot!), and all the fabulous Victoria’s Secret intimates I still love (think PINK!). President Clinton was a favorite in my house as a kid. Hillary Clinton was idealized as an amazing first woman president when she ran. Girls cried in my class when she lost to Trump. The current president has ties (although I need to clarify for all that my favorite survivor, Virginia Roberts Giuffre,–we all have our own heroes–asserts that she never saw our current president near the monster and that he offered her a babysitting job, one she wished she would have taken him up on). People around our president have ties. Fan favorites are in the infamous black book, like Chris Tucker. And, please note, this is incredibly painful for me to say: Courtney Love was in his black book as well. Her name, along with Trump’s and 36 others were circled in a book of thousands of contacts (that being said, next to her name, it says Dana, with an arrow pointed to it. This is most likely referring to her money manager at the time who was a well known creep).

If you know me, you know how much I adore the band, Hole, and all of Courtney Love’s art and feminist persona. As you can imagine, this was a big blow for me. To be fair, Epstein did have a habit of hoarding celebrity contacts for his gains, even numbers of people he never met. Technically, there’s nothing untoward with a phone number being in a book. Right?

(I should end this Love discussion here. I know it’s off-topic, but I want to also add that there’s a well-reported story and YouTube videos of Courtney Love sharing an anecdote about [Prince] Andrew. Apparently in 2001, Epstein gave Andrew Love’s address at a party without her permission. Andrew showed up at her house at 1 am “looking for s#x and girls.” To me, this goes hand in hand with Epstein’s MO to exploit women and put their lives in danger, and according to Love, it’s “creepy as f&%k” that Epstein had her number in his book. I agree it is creepy.)

My heightened awareness of Epstein-anything is no doubt a response to trauma and treatment. I can spot the predator, the danger and nuanced creepiness. All of it is in neon for many of us survivors. We know it very well, and if you’ve been through treatment, you’ve become trained to spot it and avoid it (versus getting stuck in a cycle of abuse which is VERY hard to get out of without treatment/help). It’s loud and neon and flashing, so when these demons are out walking around, making money, being listened to, funded, empowered, we are freaking out. No one else can see all the neon signs but us.

Epstein’s network continues to control me even after his death. No, I’ve never been in his massage parlor (although I would have been exactly the right type and age), but so many products and laws in my day to day life were produced, written and are still managed by Epstein’s associates, acquaintances, business partners, collaborators, guests (never friends, of course! Apparently, Epstein had NO real friends, according to every deposition I’ve watched. He was surrounded by people all the time, but yet none of these people admit to friendship).

Beyond my Courtney Love devastation is the workplace. I am in higher education: academia, a supposed beacon for intellect, ethics and research. Figures like former Harvard president, Larry Summers, corresponded with Epstein post 2008 (when he plead guilty), and Bard College president, Leon Botstein, met him until 2017 for fundraising (including a planned island visit in 2012). At Ohio State, professors like Mark Landon received Epstein funds in the 2000s, and the university faced scrutiny over ties to Epstein associate, Les Wexner (remember Bath & Body Works?) (Inside Higher Ed). And if you read Virginia Giuffre’s book, you’ll know that academic perverts are just as sick and twisted as the rest.

Luckily, none of these academic “elites” work at my school, but please, please don’t make me click on a Microsoft thing anymore. Please! I have to continuously (indirectly) partner with Gates at work who cheated on his wife and connected with Epstein after Epstein had pleaded guilty to soliciting a minor for prostitution years earlier. Anyone else making friends with people that have plead guilty to this? Any other Media Labs taking 2 million dollar donations from known perverts?

Can you see how every click could be a trauma trigger? Literally, Epstein is in my head and at my fingers. Click. Type. Click. Type.

Hello, Epstein, here we are. Together, again.